yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize