apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
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There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Edward fifth and chaser hands
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
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Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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