They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
