GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
