then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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