my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
