I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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