Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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