apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
