how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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