Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
