bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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