i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
