i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
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He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
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..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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