She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
