its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
