I want to have your abortion
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
