I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
