it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
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