Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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