if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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