I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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