I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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