did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
