I haven't been this sober since birth.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
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something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
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