I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
