I wish I could teleport
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
