My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
