you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
