; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
