I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
