She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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