if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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