we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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