no you cant smoke seaweed
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
