rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
