Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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