Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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