Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
