It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
