I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
