i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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