They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
