Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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