Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
