dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
