Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
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