Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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