walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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