At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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