they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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