Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
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