So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
