Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
