I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
