I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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