That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
