did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
