a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
